Thank you for joining me today with day two of our journey with anger.
As I was reflecting about what feels inspired to be shared today, I realized a common pattern I can observe in myself. I wonder if perhaps you have experienced this in your life?
For me, the roots go way down to early childhood days when I felt an external pressure to perform well in school which later morphed into wanting to be a dutiful daughter, sister, and wife along with a successful physician, the perfect mother, a good coach, and so forth.
The problem was that no matter how much I seemed to do, it never felt like it was enough. There was always something else I could have/should have/would have done.
Have you ever felt this way?
If only I knew more, then maybe I could have handled that situation at work differently.
If only I knew what I know now, I would have handled my marriage differently.
If only I had done this thing differently, then maybe this situation I am facing today in this relationship would be different.
With these thoughts, I would often observe this anger and frustration that first seemed to go outward toward the external situation. But then almost insidiously, like slow poison, it would start to seep inward. Often, I would then feel sadness, a sense of hopelessness, and just not wanting to do anything.
It never will be enough.
Anger directed inward can become shame, self-rejection, sadness, not feeling worthy of joy and happiness, and eventually depression. In some cases, it may even end up in suicide.
That feels so heavy, doesn’t it?
Where do we go from here?
Now, we can stay on the surface and try to make ourselves feel better by trying to talk ourselves out of this situation of doom and gloom. Making a list, perhaps, of all the ways we have done good in the world and have been helpful.
That seems like a good place to start, right?
Well, it can seem that way. Yet in my experience there is something deeper underneath this anger directed against oneself.
We can also get busy doing things in the world. But now in lockdown, we don’t have all those choices we did before, so perhaps the only way through the anger is going within.
So let’s invite the Beloved within to help us here. This journey through anger is not something we want to or even can negotiate ourselves.
So, are you willing to go deeper with this? Are you ready to ask the Beloved within our hearts to show us what this really is?
If so, take a moment to be still, and ask for the Beloved within to guide you, comfort you, and help you see this whole situation and perhaps this whole orientation- which results in anger being directed within- in a new way.
Let yourself journal, reflect, meditate, pray, be in stillness, listen to music that feels inspiring, join with a mighty companion, take a walk if you can, or whatever else feels helpful and nurturing to you.
If you want to read from the 5-part series that I wrote about 2 1/2 years ago, you can read part one here. You may find some insights that resonate for you. There are also some questions at the end of part one that can guide your inner self-inquiry.
Remember, we are doing this together, joined in the Beloved and with the Beloved and with each other. We cannot fail because our purpose of healing will carry us through this.
Zoom online group meeting and registration
Next week, Thursday April 30th at 11am EDT, we will all meet for a 90 minute group live Zoom session where we can join in healing, sharing our experiences, and gather for meditation/prayer as well.
To attend the healing online session next week, you can register by sending payment for $20 here. Once I receive your payment, I will add you to the list of participants and you will receive the zoom details the night before the online gathering.
Thank you for those that have already registered. I am so looking to ‘seeing’ you all on Thursday!
I love you all so much for being on this journey with me. I will be reflecting more during the day and will be back tomorrow to share my discoveries.
With blessings, gratitude, and much love,
Rev. Seema Khaneja, MD
Coaching for Inner Peace
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